DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband works from home, and a colleague does not. Colleague sometimes texts my husband that there is a product or mail for him at the office, and kindly offers to drop it by our home. My husband accepts and is very appreciative.

The drop-off generally occurs on a weekend, early in the day, when I am either in bed or lounging about the house in robe and slippers. Because we moved during the pandemic, our house is "new" to Colleague, so this morning, my husband elected to give him a tour. The tour did not include the bedroom where I sat in pajamas responding to email.

I like Colleague a lot, but am accustomed to meeting him only when "ready to greet the world." I felt it rude not to make an appearance, so I robed myself and popped out to say hello, nothing more. The men went on chatting for half an hour or so about our new home, the work to be done, etc., and I scampered away.

I do not want to be either rude or inattentive in these situations. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Since it was based on showing off a new home, this problem presumably will not be recurring. But Miss Manners assures you that the impromptu and work-based visit did not require your presence, and that your behavior was sufficiently cordial.

If Colleague is planning on being privy to any future remodeling, however, perhaps your husband can give you some advance warning -- so that you do not again get caught in your pajamas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been close friends with someone for over 18 years. He and his wife even had their children refer to me as "uncle."

Several years ago, they moved to a large city far away. We stayed in touch as best we could. They would stop by when visiting his parents, who still lived in our town.

I retired three years ago and moved back to the town I grew up in. I tried to stay in touch with my friend, but he's grown increasingly distant. I recently texted him and told him that my last brother had passed, and it was a sad time for me. His response was, "That's really tough, bro."

He showed almost no empathy. I've not heard from him or his wife since that day, which was many months ago.

Would it be rude to ask if I've done or said something that deeply offended them to the point that they decided to end our friendship?

GENTLE READER: Not at all. Etiquette thrives in subtly criticizing someone else's behavior by graciously blaming it on oneself.

Of course, if your friend responds that nothing is wrong, you may be forced to call him out on his callousness. But even that can be done tactfully: "Oh. I was just hoping to catch up and perhaps talk more about my brother. And of course, I want to hear about you."

The second statement may determine, Miss Manners is afraid, whether or not its previous absence was the cause of the distance between you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in line at the checkout. I had put my items up on the belt for the cashier. A 50ish-year-old woman came up behind me, took a divider and PUSHED all my items together up the belt to make room for hers!

This is a TOP PET PEEVE for me! I was taught to be patient and wait my turn! I'm a 67-year-old woman and physically disabled with M.S.

I said to her, "Nervy!" She then turned the situation around to make ME the bad guy instead of her ignorant behavior! I would NEVER touch anyone's items, either by hand or with a divider. That's just plain pushy and wrong!

It became a war of words! The older cashier in the next aisle took her side! I was very angry! Who do these people think they are? They have no right to do this to ANYONE! I asked her if she felt she was more important than me. Please respond, as I'm still fuming!

GENTLE READER: Let us suppose that the shopper behind you did do something rude -- though Miss Manners is inclined to think she did not, given the lack of supporting specifics (damaged objects, muttered commentary). Was there no polite way to solve a disagreement about personal space?

You could have said, "Excuse me, but would you mind waiting until I've completed my transaction before unloading your cart?"

One rudeness does not justify another -- an opinion Miss Manners holds strongly, even though she is able to punctuate it with a period.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Co-worker A and I purchased a small gift for a baby shower for Co-worker B. Tragically, the baby passed away at 3 months of age.

Co-worker A thinks that the gift should be returned to us, so we can get a refund. I think that Co-worker A should go pound rocks; the last thing this family needs to do is return gifts after such a loss.

I've offered to give Co-worker A the cost of the gift from my own pocket and allow the family to donate or keep the gift. It was only $25 each.

Co-worker A feels that etiquette decrees the gift be returned. I feel that it's appropriate to disregard the rules of etiquette and behave compassionately. I'm concerned that Co-worker A's insistence will only cause more pain and emotional stress for Co-worker B and her family.

Are there rules of etiquette for a situation like this?

GENTLE READER: The rule that your co-worker is mistakenly referring to is for when a wedding is called off. Then, presents are properly returned.

But demanding a present back in the face of a death is heartless, petty and cruel, none of which etiquette condones.

Miss Manners agrees that your colleague should go pound rocks -- or do whatever it takes to stop adding to the pain of this poor couple's tragic circumstances.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

GENTLE READERS: There is a disturbing trend in Miss Manners' correspondence that she wishes to address, lest Gentle Readers give up hope of a more polite future. It concerns letters that begin:

-- "When did it become OK to ...?"

-- "Am I just being hopelessly old-fashioned or ...?"

-- "Am I being too sensitive when ...?"

What follows is an example of something that was never OK. Miss Manners' field is external behavior, not internal squirming, but her concern is the implication that the victim has, or should have, given up hope of improving society.

A fourth type of letter underscores the point: It seeks a polite response to a slight, real or imagined, that the Gentle Reader already answered with a taunting rejoinder, a rude gesture or worse.

Miss Manners does, on occasion, supply responses which, though faultlessly polite, cause an offender to explode in a burst of mortification and apology. But she more often counsels more subtle responses, which, even had the reader known them when the event occurred, would not have required a fire extinguisher.

This is because the goal is not to strike someone who struck you first -- the goal is not to get hit in the first place.

This should be apparent, as even Miss Manners' most caustic advice is too late to touch a driver who has long since sped away, a line-cutter who is off offending new people out of reach of the Gentle Reader, or everyone else who has long forgotten what happened at that date, luncheon, meeting or class reunion.

It takes time to improve the world -- or even, truth be known, one's friends and relations. This is not because there are no solutions to rude behavior or because one must either accept rudeness or be rude oneself. Nor is it because the solutions proposed do not work.

True, Miss Manners' approach does not always provide the instant gratification of smacking our fellow citizens under the guise of good manners. She realizes this runs counter to a world that is impatient when the package just ordered is not already at the door. What she advises used to be known as solving the problem, an activity that Miss Manners accepts is old-fashioned, even if it is the only one that ever worked.

And just because we do not see the offenders shrivel up in front of us does not mean we have not succeeded. Who knows but that, having been shown a better way, they have not spent a sleepless night repenting?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In response to "thank you," I have been hearing a lot of "Of course" or "Certainly," especially from the younger generation.

Since when has that been acceptable? I find it arrogant and rude. Do you agree? I do not find "Anytime" rude, especially after thanking someone who did you a big favor.

"Of course" just really gets under my skin.

GENTLE READER: Would you be less offended by "Of course you are most welcome -- I am so very happy to be able to do this for you"?

Perhaps. But Miss Manners does not see a substantive difference between it and a shortened form. She would never say that the words chosen when conveying conventional politeness do not matter -- but she does not share your imputation of ill intent to these particular examples.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)